To love or not to Love?

For the past few days I've been thinking about my homeland. Well, since I've never lived here before, I'm thinking about in a whole new perspective. I've always loved Syria. It's filled with history and there are the simple fun social activities and the volunteer work etc...

Well, before I moved to Damascus, I was seriously in LOVE with Syria, especially last year. Everything about her was beautiful to me. He streets, her people, her nature her hsitory. Just simply every little thing. Maybe because last year I was in love with somebody from here that I was ready to devote my whole life to. I have no idea.. It's weird how we associate the love of a person to the places and things that has nothing to do with him/her directly.

When I was in Malaysia, all I wanted is to be in Syria... Something I never really felt in my life. The urge, the passion. I would look at pics of Syria and just yearn to be here. Mind you, I didn't know much people. Just that one guy and family.

The day finally came and I finally moved to Syria. At first I was gleaming with excitement and just was having the best time of my life. Then a dosage of reality hit me. I've been warned not to live here and a lot of people are moving out of here because they are miserable. I figured, that I should be fine.

Well, now things are weird. I don't know if I should love living in this country or hate it. The reasons why I still love this country are the same and a few extra things. I met wonderful people here who introduced me to a whole new experience I never thought I'd ever find here in Syria. One of my dearest friends to my heart Amr, has introduced to me to volunteer work here. That just made my life a whole lot better. We'd hang out and just have a ball. I've never met anybody like him in my life. There are the other bloggers as well, like Ayman, Zena, Sinan etc... They have been very wonderful.

I'll just put this in point form...

Why I love Syria:

1) The social simple life
2) The volunteer activities
3) My friends
4) The history of the country
5) The nature of this country.
6) Weird enough, my job.

Why I hate Syria:

1) The complicated part of social scene
2) Nothing is easy here.
3) Nothing is organized
4) Nothing is stable
5) People here in general
6) My job.

You might wonder how on earth do I have the same things on both my love and hate list. Well, it's simple.

I love being social with my friends and family, I can be somewhat myself. Then what I hate is I can't be 100% myself. I feel that there's something in me being surpressed and I'm often misunderstood.

My job, well. I love what I do for a job but I hate the fact, I'm a freelance audio engineer. I don't have a salary, I get paid for each project I do. Sometimes there aren't any projects and I stay home do nothing and get bored. Simply, I don't feel stable in this job at all.

I feel this seriously annoying inncer conflict. I want to go back to the UAE to be at least living with family instead of living completey alone in this one bedroom apartment. I get seriously lonely. It's depressing to walk into my place and there's nobody there to greet me and when I leave, nobody to say goodbye to. It sad, that not many come over even though I do invite them. I have no idea why.

I guess what it comes down to is that I just need something special and steady in my life. Or I just need to stop bitching and adjust to this. I have no idea... I just think, we're suppose to develop and be better and by adjusting to the chaos I feel I'll need to be unstable and chaotic. I want to improve not become worse. I have no idea what do honestly.

When you have lived in totally different environments, I think you'd become complicated. lol I don't know. I think I just need to finish a year experience of work then move back to the UAE to finish my education as I work. That is my back up plan. If my original plan works out this summer, I'll be in great condition and I'll be floating from happiness... Let's see how all this would work out.