Monday, May 22, 2006

My Conclusion.

Human nature is quite interesting with all its complexes. I've been surprising myself how I'm really aware of how I'm behaving and why I am behaving the way I am. It's not good enough though. I'm being reactive more than proactive simply because, it's easier to handle even though I know that the consequences are relentless. Maybe it's something I'm used to and is what everybody around me seems to be doing. I guess, I'm just comfortable, not really absorbing the concept of the consequence.

One of things thing I really am not enjoy in particular is letting my anger out on somebody who doesn't deserve it at all. It's all because I don't feel he understands. I have to explain everything to him thoroughly again and again. Then I don't know how I end up listening about his things. This guy is one of the most loving human beings on earth but I need more. I feel disconnected as it is and he doesn't know how to deal with my situation. So why am I mad at him in particular? It's because of me. I expect too much of him. I know he's doing the best he can and I seriously appreciate it but I need more.

My feelings of loneliness is turning into anger. According to a therapist I once talked to, that is a good thing. Anger is one of the signs of being fed up and when I'm fed up, I'll actually do something about it to make things better if I'm in a positive state of mind otherwise I'll be a disaster. That is unlikely in my opinion. I just wish it didn't involve me pushing the people that care about away from me. I do have a habit of doing that. It's either I don't want to them to see me weak because of the fear they might leave or that I feel they are not giving me what I need so they get fed up and they leave.

Wow!! As I am typing this, I figured the problem... I'm afraid of people leaving me because that is what usually happens. So what do I do? I push them away before I get too attached then they leave. Quite interesting observation. I should be my own therapist. hehehe.. Yeah, I just don't know what to do about it though... I'm sure within time, I'll get it right.

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