Monday, October 03, 2005

Random Ranting...

As I sit here enjoying the music I've been creating lately, I feel such joy in my heart and soul. Is it because the music is beautiful? Well, of course, I'm going to say the music is beautiful. It's my creation. hehehe... But that's not even close to the point. Well, it's not the music pieces that are making me happy. It's the fact that I created something. One of my greatest joys in life is to be able to create. It doesn't matter what it is, whether writing a song or a poem, or composing a musical piece or even drawing some abstract art.

I'm realizing more and more, if I wasn't able to create, I'm the most depressed human being and I often do the worst things I can do for my soul. I become seriously moody, I feel worthless and my self esteem rushes down faster than you can blink. I seriously feel the weight of life is taking it's toll on me. I lose focus and purpose. With all that said, I usually burst out on innocent people who are nothing but gentle and sweet. You know who you are, Sowwy... I might still be the bouncy person as I am but deep down in me there's something missing. I can't be satisfied at all without creating anything that doesn't reflect on who I am and what I'm feeling or living at each particular moment.

For a while, I was totally being unproductive and when I did something, it wasn't done in best shape and form. I was thinking, "Well, it's good enough. Why bother?" Well, it's that kind of thinking that'll get me nowhere. Once I started putting things together really well, magic arose and my whole spirit changed. Well, I do have to admit, I had some downfalls when it came with my work. I had an opportunity to let Sami Yusuf listen to some of my music. I had some really good stuff at first. He liked them and he thought I had potential. That's when I actually cared to create something really good. When he asked for more work. I gave him what I had, and didn't really create anything new. That was a serious mistake. Simply because the music wasn't put in it best form. The recordings were great, the performance surely needed to be better. It just wasn't tight at all. I just gave in whatever I had, didn't even think about it. Then when I was told he wasn't impressed, the huge mistake that I've done seriously hit me. This is not some friend who's like your work anyways. This is a business man who wants to find some seriously good talent. I just proved to him that I wasn't. So I figured I needed to do something serious about it.

After doing some serious thinking, I needed to change my tools because the tools I had simply didn't do it for me. I did all I can do with it and needed a serious upgrade. After a lot of dreaming and working hard on begging my dad to get it for me, I finally got a Yamaha Motif ES 6, the greatest Synthesizer ever. THANK YOU, DAD... The sounds on that machine totally inspired me and what I thought it would do to me, actually did happen. It inspired me by all means. Everything I've been feeling for the past year, from pain and joy came out in 2 musical pieces I've compsed, Hope and Struggle. There are still more to come, believe me. It's not ending here. There is a lot to express and a lot more create.

The bottom line is I seriously hate myself when I'm not doing what I love doing the most. Hell, people have told me that I'm more likeable when I'm productive. I heard this from 2 people just tonight. They didn't need to say it though, I already knew. Well, I guess things will be different because my job requires me to be productive and always on go with creativity. I guess that should do wonders for me. YAY!! Can't wait till I start. Woohoo!!

If you're interested to hear my material, good and bad, just drop by my music website

Struggle is already up there... If you want to check out Hope you'll have to wait till it's verified. It should be up in 3 days time.

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